Recently we talked about why finding love is not about luck and why we think it’s all in your hands. With enough reflection and self-work, anyone can get there. And we really believe it’s more about the work you put into it than a random occurrence or “fate”. So today we wanted to go deeper into one of the main principles you need to understand to get there.
One of our readers commented on our recent post about this topic on Instagram with advice she got from a friend:
“Make a list of all the qualities you want in your partner. Now look at that list and become that person.” We couldn’t have said this better!
We say this all the time and we’ll say it again: relationships are like mirrors. The way you see your partner is a reflection of the way you see yourself, and the way they treat you is a reflection of how you treat yourself. So if you want to start meeting better people or forming better relationships, the work starts with yourself.
And when we say we attract “people who are like us” we don’t mean superficial personality traits like having the same taste in music and liking the same type of foods, or being an introvert or enjoying being the center of attention. What we are talking about is our core values and beliefs about family and relationships, the way we relate to people and form connections, our emotional intelligence, our level of maturity. These are the beams around which we build our house. And everything else is just a finish.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise. There’s a lot of research that suggests we are attracted to people who either look like us, behave like us, or hold similar attitudes. But people don’t fully understand the power of this principle. You may THINK you get it. But if you still only end up attracting the wrong type of partner, you’re definitely doing something wrong.
Are You Really Who You Think You Are?
A friend of mine (let’s call him Joe) once told me about a girl (Maya) he had just broken up with because of how “crazy” she was. I usually get pretty skeptical when men use that word to describe a woman so I asked him what she did that was so crazy.
Joe explained that Maya was supposed to go to his place one night after going out with friends but by the time she got there he had gone to sleep. She couldn’t get in so she “freaked out” and sent him a lot of messages and called a bunch of times saying some really nasty things. Joe sounded like such an innocent unsuspecting victim! So I asked him a few more questions:
Did he not have a doorman he could leave the key with? He did. So why didn’t he leave a key for her? Well, he was actually annoyed that Maya stayed out so late and didn’t seem to be in a rush to leave her friends to see him. So, in retaliation, he told the doorman not to let her in and went to bed without letting her know. He knew she would come over later and not be able to get in. He knew that would upset her and that’s what he wanted. But in his mind Maya didn’t know he did this on purpose. So she was still “crazy” for reacting like that.
Do you see what’s wrong with this situation? Of course Maya had a feeling Joe didn’t just fall asleep and lock her out by accident. It’s probably not the first time he’d done something dubious like that. So her anger did not come out of nowhere. And while a more mature woman would quietly go home and address this the following day, a more mature man would not create this situation in the first place. They deserved each other. And it’s no accident they attracted each other.
Actions, Not Words
This is a real story. And I hear stories like that from friends and acquaintances all the time. Friends who tell me they only meet superficial men. But those same girls refuse to date anyone who isn’t wealthy. Friends who complain they’re seeing someone really immature. And those same friends pretend to flirt with other people just to make their partner jealous.
You would be surprised at how unaware people are of their own qualities and shortcomings. But the important thing to realize is, you attract people similar to who you REALLY are, not who you THINK you are.
Have you ever heard someone say, “yes I cheated on my wife once or twice, but I’m not really a cheater”? Or “I get angry about stupid things and I can’t control it, but I don’t have an anger problem! That’s not really me.” You are what you do. You may think you are loyal and honest but unless you practice that through your actions, you might be in denial.
And the people around us are attracted to the qualities we exhibit, not the qualities we wish we had.
The Good News
Now, I’m not saying that every time something bad happens to you, you have only yourself to blame. Bad luck can happen to anyone every once in a while. What I am talking about is patterns. If you “luck” into bad/unsuitable partners time after time, something is not right. But the good news is, it’s probably not hard to fix.
To get you into the process of figuring this out, let’s borrow some advice from our friend above.
- Write down all the qualities you want in a partner. And again, we don’t mean the trivial superficial things like which football team they like or how tall they are. We are talking about the serious stuff. These are just some examples to get you going:
- How do they see marriage and commitment? Do they want to start a family?
- Do they want to spend a lot of time with their partner or prefer more personal space? (Trust us, this one is important!)
- Are they ambitious and driven or can be happy with less?
- Are they a genuine 100% honest to a fault person or do they see white lies as no big deal?
- Do they want a 50/50 partnership or one person can hold more power/support the other?
- How do they manage conflict? Do they avoid it at all cost or face it as soon as it arises? Do they explode with emotion and think of the consequences later or do they listen carefully?
- Now, ask those same questions about yourself. Be a hundred percent honest with yourself, no one will ever see this list but you. For every answer you give, think of an example where you showed this quality. (If you can’t think of an example, you might not really have this quality!)
- Practice manifesting the qualities that are most important to you. Make sure you’re not hiding them. You can even ask your friends if they can see those qualities in you! You might be surprised to learn that how your friends see you might not be how you see yourself.
Well, That Was Easy
This might sound so simple and obvious, but its power is undeniable. Most of the signals we send to people are subconscious. If we keep attracting people for the wrong reasons, it doesn’t mean we have such a bad luck! It just means we are sending the wrong signals.
Spend a little time searching for those answers and let us know what you find.