A Little Bit On Our Backstory
We met just over a year and a half ago, moved in together only 4 months later and got engaged after dating for a year. It might sound too fast, too crazy or impulsive, but it’s the exact opposite. Our relationship has progressed so steadily and so strongly that nothing feels more secure than what we have together.
What we have was not built on anxiety and insecurity. We never worried when the other person would text or call. We never had to question where we stood. Our emotions never went from 0 to 100 in a short period of time. Remember quick flames burn out quickly too! We sometimes hear people say that you need a little bit of anxiety in the beginning of a relationship, to spark an interest and get those butterflies in your stomach. Or that you need to keep your partner on the edge a little bit, just to keep the flame burning. Our emotions gradually built up on each other, like a slow but steady climb to the top of a mountain, rather than a quick exhilarating helicopter ride up there.
The result is a solid and loving partnership. There is adventure and excitement happening all around us but inside our house everything is calm and stable. We rarely fight and when we do, we never let it escalate. We just discuss things calmly until we figure out our disagreements. This is the result of mindful work, not luck.
Of course, we don’t believe this is the only way to do it. It might not be for everyone. But we do believe…
…Our Way Is Teachable
There are many ways to fall in love. None of them is “right” or “wrong” and we might even have to say love is not for everyone. Some people fall in love very young, get coupled up and figure out the rest later. Others don’t really get there until years of failed attempts. And some try their whole lives and never find it. But the common thread is that most people think of love as something mystical and inexplicable, something you either “get lucky” with or don’t.
We disagree. We think finding love and keeping it strong is a skill that anyone can learn, just like playing tennis or speaking a new language. The difference is, if we told you Serena Williams is the best at what she does because of pure natural talent, not because of her determination and hard work, you’d laugh at us. But if we told you we met each other by chance and just got insanely lucky with our beautiful healthy relationship, you’d have no problem believing it.
We spend years in school learning math and science but no one ever teaches us how to build good relationships. We get by on advice from friends and family. But we never think we need to learn and cultivate it as a skill, just like everything else in life. Just cross fingers and hope we’ll get lucky!
We have a problem with that. We also have a problem with the idea that there is only ONE person out there who’s a perfect match for you and you just need to look hard enough until you find him/her. You can meet your perfect soulmate five times over and let them pass you by if you are not ready.
We really believe there are a few key skills anyone can learn that can help us build happy healthy relationships, not just romantic ones but friendships as well. Understanding and owning our emotions, handling other people’s emotions, establishing boundaries, building trust… these are all prerequisites for a good relationship. And they won’t just come to you in your sleep. It takes a lot of self-awareness and work on our own flaws and insecurities to get to a happy comfortable place where relationships flourish. Some people have a natural knack for it, of course, but anyone can learn with enough practice.
Laws Of Attraction
We believe that there is a science to whom we attract and are attracted to. Each person who enters our life has a purpose. Each person is our mirror – we see ourselves through the reflection they create for us. If we are at a happy positive and secure place in our life, we will create a happy positive and secure reflection in the other person. We would not even feel drawn to someone who can’t give us that reflection. If we feel jealous or angry, we’ll bring that out in the other person. We’ll feel more attracted to people who are likely to reciprocate. And whether we love, hate or feel indifferent to the reflection we see tells us where that relationships will go.
Seeing a reflection we don’t like is where things get ugly. That’s when jealousy, insecurity, constant arguing and boredom come from. And the hardest part is recognizing that what we are seeing is just a reflection. We are prefer to look for the fault in other people, not within us. We jump from relationship to relationship thinking it’s just bad luck that’s bringing us a bad partner after bad partner. It’s like looking at our reflection in a lake and thinking the person underwater is to blame for our problems. We can check back in other lakes but we’ll still see the same image.
But once we figure that out, we can stop looking for others to blame and start working on ourselves. We can stop being victims and create our own luck. Once we build a self that we love and respect, we can finally meet its reflection in another person and fall in love with it.
In the next few posts we’ll go deeper into the details of what it means to meet yourself in others. We’ll talk about how to recognize what we love and what we hate about ourselves and how to work on it. We’ll also get to the most difficult part – how to nurture what we have once we find the right partner, and build it into a strong foundation for our future.